I have suicidal thoughts, but I’m not suicidal

Let me make it clear before I start.... I don't want to die, I'm doing well considering things at the moment, but that doesn't mean all my thoughts are happy! So before carrying on don't be worried about me as I'm fine (and I really mean it!)

The best way to explain the above statement is a thought I always had as a kid, and I'm sure a lot of you had the same thought... Your parents are driving along the motorway and you suddenly get the urge to open the back door.... You know its wrong, you know its bad and YOU KNOW YOU WONT DO IT! So you think about it for a moment, then move on to another thought.. in my case the typical "Are we there yet"!

That is kind of what its like to have suicidal thoughts, but not be suicidal. There's a list of questions that go through my mind when I think about "What if something happened to me"

1) Who would care?

2) What would the reaction be?

3) What would people say?

4) Would people even notice?

5) If I was in a coma.. would anyone visit me?

The main time I get these thoughts is I before sleep, normally starting with what if I don't wake up... How long would it take for someone to notice!? These thoughts would only happen on a bad day or have been triggered by something that has happened, and for me these are getting less and less! But it makes me wonder if anyone else has or has had these trains of thoughts but not actually suffered from anything?

As a girl I take heart break... literary to heart. The few times I have truly been hurt I have had a "Suicidal thought" even before I was "Diagnosed" does that make me weird? and actually depression has been a hidden factor in my life long before I realised?

People don't ever talk about something like this, which is why I wanted to state you don't need to worry about me but I keep things like this in because I don't want to be a burden on the people around me. I have a few friends I truly open up too but even then its not fully because I'm scared there going to get sick of me and not want to be there anymore.

I tell different friends, different things but I don't think anyone know 100% of anything I have been or go through. This is not because I don't trust them with it but because everyone is at a different place in there life and are experiencing there own problems! Sometimes for me its easier to take on other peoples problems then deal with my thoughts because I still think mine may just go away over time (They don't unless I deal with them!)

I'm great at giving advice but rubbish at taking it, even though I know its the right thing to do! My mind goes into overdrive which then leads to the well what if I wasn't here! I wouldn't have to deal with it and I wouldn't be annoying other people with my problems! But I do have a support network, I do have friends and I like to think I would be missed cause who else would annoy you with the stupid comments and silly faces!

So if anyone else has felt like this or something happens that makes them have these thoughts your not alone! People need to open up more and realise we are built with emotion and to think, even if sometime its not in the conventional way! But each day you face something bad, the next morning remember you are even stronger then the day before as you made it through!

To end this remember: Sometimes, Its ok to not be ok!